Musings About Weddings

I think I’m Facebook friends with somewhere between 3 and 4 wedding photographers. One of them, I think, is really, really good. She’s brilliant.

So all that said I see a bunch of wedding photos and engagement photos stream by on Facebook each month. Plus, well, everyone I know has gotten married.

I’ve also been in two weddings. So I think about weddings from time to time. I’ve formed some opinions. You could even say I’ve brainstormed a few ideas!

Some opinions might be rude. Some ideas might be unorthodox. Some of these things might be the reason why I’m still single. But more optimistically, some of these might get me hitched someday! Because I’m awesome!



Must haves:

Must NOT haves:

  • Please, please, no “put a ring on it”, please.
  • Please, please, no “Chicken Dance”, please.

Pretty Sweet if:

  • “Hey Beautiful” by The Solids (How I Met Your Mother theme) is used for entrance of the wedding party, with a photo montage on projection screens. All timed so the “ba ba ba ba ba” part starts for the bride and groom’s entrance. A spotlight, if possible.



Must haves:

  • Something on every table that can be a conversation piece so there’s less awkward conversation and silence between guests who don’t know each other.
  • Giant cards (posters?) for people to write well wishes, thoughts, advice, or semi-crude comments on. This also gives single people something to do. Other than drink. A lot.
  • 20-dollar dance. Seriously. Get with it, people.
  • Bridal purse. Cash, please. Worked in “The Godfather”…

Must NOT haves:

  • Please, please, can we do something better than the garter/bouquet toss? Can the bouquet be tossed from a moving car? Can the women and men be spun-around dizzy like “Pin The Tale On The Donkey” before we do the toss? Something? Anything?
  • Giant wedding party table on a stage riser. Can we do something better than the wedding party being put on display for everyone to stare at while the catering people catch up? It’s weird. And terrible for conversation.
  • Cheap catering. Suffering through a bad meal at a restaurant is bad enough. It’s worse when it takes all night, you can’t leave, it’s really expensive, and you dragged 100 of your friends and relatives there to suffer through it with you, too. Ugh. Don’t do that. Go homemade or potluck. You can’t go cheap with “catering”. Anything but cheap “catering”.
  • 2 or 3 hours of posed photographs with every conceivable family member combination before the reception. It’s anti-climatic. And they usually suck. Posed photos with groups usually suck. Figure out another way to get that photo with Grandma Moses and Uncle Jim.

Pretty Sweet if:

  • The Ex-Dance. They have dollar dances, old people dances, father-daughter dances, why not an Ex-Dance? This would be interesting. Divorced family members, wedding party people dancing with the bride or groom, random ex-boyfriend from high school. It would be magic. Participating ex-couples get a bottle of wine.
  • Jr. High Dance. Girls only. The guys stand in the corner and look bored.
  • The Rat Pack Dance. Everyone dances with a martini glass in their hand (filled with water). The person with the least spillage gets a bottle of wine.
  • The Frat Party Dance. Everyone dances with a red Solo cup. Same as above.
  • The In-Law Dance. Mother-in-law dances with Dad. Vice versa. Drama? Crazy photos? Perhaps!
  • How about making DANCE CARDS for the single people, maybe who don’t know each other? Anything to help them not be wall flowers or be awkwardly drinking alone.
  • There’s an “after party” involving the wedding party and 10-20 other close friends. There could be secret invitations given via text message or secretly exchanged note cards.
  • Tux->Suit, Gown ->Cocktail/party dress. Wardrobe change!



Must haves:

  • Great photography.
  • A “no photography from the audience” rule. Seriously. Put your lame Point-And-Shoot away, please. Also, put your phone down. Actually…
  • A “no electronic devices” rule and a check-in box. Seriously. BEEP BEEP DOOT DOOT. Because nobody knows how to silence their phones. In a room of 200 people, 10 percent won’t know how to do it. 15 percent will have forgotten. That’s a lot of phones. So leave them in the check-in box. Or in your car. You’re not that important.
  • Some freaking violin.
  • Candles.
  • Some light and shadow in the room. Does it have to be ALL BRIGHT during a ceremony? What’s the point of the candles if the room is completely flooded with light?

Must NOT haves:

  • Unity candle. I mean, if you do it, don’t mention it. Let there be some MYSTERY to it. “And now we will have the Unity Candle lit to blah blah blah”.
  • That… sand thing. Same as unity candle. How about unity dirt from the two cities the bride and groom grew up in? Or…not. Or anything else.
  • Speech about the ring being a circle, yada yada yada. Let it go, pastor.
    Let it go.
  • Prom-songs to Jesus.
  • “Special” Music.

Pretty Sweet If:

  • The wedding program was a full-color brochure. I mean, why not?
  • Video. Like, a video essay on why they’re getting married and how their relationship got started including interviews with friends and family. That’s just golden.
  • Air-conditioning is blasting. Please. God. Air-conditioning. Old churches. Hot day. Tux. Nerves. Air-conditioning.



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